November 27, 2010 - Making A Real Commitment

For almost a month, I've neither blogged nor paid any any real attention to eating.I've been eating what I wanted when I wanted and my weight has been stuck at the 30+ lbs which all came on during my transition to my new work and location. When I read other blogs, I am struck with how different we all are -- we food addicts -- and how absolutely alike. It is a paradox. We justify our behaviors; get angry when challenged by the reading public that supports us. We give up when we are within striking distance of a goal. We regain lost weight. We struggle. Food addiction is complex and isn't fully understood by anyone. Because of the complexity which is inherent in the emotional and psychological property of food, our inability to control eating, particularly in the United States, is at the basis of a multi-billion dollar industry. We buy new diet books, start new programs, make commitments, and only a very few succeed. I simply CANNOT be as happy as I am in my new circumstances and still be caring a weight gain of 30 lbs, after a completely happy and stress free 85 lb.loss. What can all of this be about -- really? I read my own struggle on blog after blog.

On November 27, I am confronting my inability to make and keep the mental and emotional commitment to healthy weight loss and maintenance. A few short months ago I weighed 199.8 lbs and looked great -- was on my way. Today I have gained 30 lbs. of an 85 lb. weight loss back. I look it and my clothes don't fit and my knees ache. I loved my good relationship with food; it was just as Sean Anderson describes it. And I blew it for compulsive, addictive eating.

I have just finished reading Sean Anderson's Thanksgiving post and those of others who are not so committed and I am just quietly making a commitment to: keep the commitments on my blog. My commitments are to: move as much as possible (I've been doing that); to follow the food program which worked to create a real sense of well-being in my life; and to sort out for myself the elements of the addiction which exist in all of us: what we eat, how we eat it, when we eat it, and what is body-sustaining and nurturing and what is pure comfort and association with comfort. What is triggered by the ingredients which are added to foods by the food industry which feeds on the huge national addiction which has gone international -- foods engineered to trigger the addictive and out-of-control eating which is part of all of our story? What causes a young woman who is triumphant about her weight loss and exercise to start living on sweets, blogging about it honestly, but to write that nothing is going to change.

At what point is the addiction clearly more important than anything that results from the discipline and self-control of eating that makes sense for health and life? We make it terribly complicated. There are only a few of us who make it; we can't face daily life without the addiction. We use food for a variety of purposes; food is far more to us than fuel for the tank.

My college aged daughter came home for Thanksgiving. The story of her 6 day trip was a revelation and for me, a frightening one on several levels. She was my partner in the early journey to good nutrition and weight loss. She is adopted and her birth family members are really obese. To be fair, her mother is plump but not huge. But her grandmother and cousins -- who once came to visit us -- are obsessed with food and weigh over 300 or maybe even more. She wrote me a list of things she wanted to eat before she came home. And I spent an unfortunate amount of money getting all the supplies to feed her. She said that she would eat home-cooking and weep; she was so homesick for good food. And the result was catastrophic on several levels. I spent too much money; all of us (except for her) ate too much. My son and I who are battling our weight, gained weight. I felt tired and heavy for the entire visit and woke up last night with terrible heartburn. What I learned from my returning student was that she could eat all the things she wanted to weep over in moderation, though I swear that one of my recipes is somewhat like sitting down to a full bowl of cream cheese. But the rest of us relapsed into something which made me terribly ashamed; it was a week of food obsession and as I have known -- not long enough -- but absolutely without question -- is that the foods involved, when eaten addictively are not worth it!

This has been the day of self-confrontation and renewed commitment. And I will be blogging regularly; I will not abandon writing because of food or because of my work.I love it. But blogging is my truth-telling -- to and for myself. Without the addiction, life works. With the addiction, life is not what it can be. It is my choice and there is no excuse.

Today -- the day of self-confrontation and confusion -- not the first one in my life, but one of the most grim. And tomorrow will be a day of eating joyfully and moving again -- taking steps toward exercising again. I will figure out how to have the Christmas holiday with moderation and light eating, so that other things take the place of the week-long binge. I never understood what that sort of holiday binge was like until now -- not with eyes wide open (as well as mouth) and no excuses!

I have exactly 100 pounds to lose. In the 30 lb gain lies much of my shame and sense of despair at not being able to conquer. But I can. I will. I am resolved!