Today, Wednesday, I worked from very early until very late. I love my job. But I had to face some tragedies this week. Hired a wonderful young man to be the director of special projects; he was a high risk hire because of he has a record of getting in trouble. But he was highly recommended and I contracted with him for six months which included zero tolerance for any sort of drinking, drug use, or trouble with the law. He has been on probation for a series of misdemeanors and violation of probation. After six days of everyone cheering him on -- he does excellent work -- he melted down,got drunk, called me with alot of inappropriate stuff, texted the same, and then didn't show up for work. He abandoned his contract and that made me very sad; his talent is obvious but so is his addiction. He had an opportunity that could have made him "golden". He couldn't handle it. Another staff member who is alone with children has been driving to New York City at night because her son is in trouble with the law and is on trial. She is missing some days of work. She is very good at what she does and works heroically.
But I am overloaded and not eating on time, or eating properly. Tonight the kids and I stopped to feed the stray cat who hangs out at McDonalds and ended up eating McDonalds which is wrong for me and for them on all levels.
Where is the groove? I've been tired and have been getting sleepy in the afternoon which means I am not getting enough sleep AND I am not eating enough protein. So trying to regroup tonight. I have to concentrate on how to dance with the ups and downs of our wonderful organization full of big hearted and kind people. I spoke at a Rotary meeting today and received a great response. Tomorrow I have speaking gigs and meetings all day and into the night. So I have to blog because I have committed to do so. I've also managed 15 days of Halloween Joke emails to the "subscribers" for no other reason than I promised to do so. I tend to blog too much when I blog. So this is a blog about the day. I am tired and the few minutes by myself with the computer with the cats hanging around to be fed is a bit of balm for my sore brain. And tomorrow I will go back to work with full vigor and vitality and a better breakfast than today. Food on the run -- it can be managed but I haven't managed it yet.
My life manages me more than I manage it and I am DETERMINED to change the balance. I love my job; I hate feeling tired in the middle of loving it. I hate it that someone so bright and quick as my contract assistant just couldn't stay sober and disciplined. Addictions are hell. My kids worry about the cat who is getting thinner and thinner at McDonalds and is too shy to allow anyone to help her. We take food to her but she needs shelter before the winter sets in. We all need shelter and loving co-workers and friends, well-fed cat friends and children who ask questions loudly in restaurants about the meaning of life!
I was once the director of an addiction program. I recognize addiction in myself, but the destruction of everything by those addicted to drugs and alcohol and the way those addicts think and justify is beyond my understanding. I have huge admiration for those who find the path and grow into sobriety; I mourn the loss of those who do as my contract project director did -- simply slip into a moment of drunken insanity and destroy everything that has been built and the opportunity which brightens the road and the travel ahead. I am saddened that the young man who abandoned his contract today will not come back to work and will continue the 4 plus years of bad judgement and tragic choices which have made him homeless. He has an education and training which would afford him a rapid rise in my organization: good personality and good skills. He only lasted 6 working days and I do not understand, but I do know that I am not an enabler. I'm well trained and educated in addiction and I will not cave in or enable for this man's insanity and lack of regard for the organization. He will not come back to work. And I reflect on my own food addiction and its negative power in my life.
I'm a lucky woman and I am asking myself to surrender totally to a wait loss lifestyle and its long-term, permanent maintenance. I love my eating program; I am not dancing with time -- I'm too busy, too harried and hurried and I'm snatching food on the run and time with anything but work -- at a marathon pace. I am grateful. And there aren't enough hours in the day. I continually am trying to cram in just the basics. There is no time to spend a quiet evening; I can never catch up. I have to find the rhythm of living on the run and finding the quiet moments and the gaps. What I understand is that I never feel rested unless I am eating the right foods. I ate nuts today -- too many of them and they were salty. I'm not controlling the salt in my diet enough.
And the days rush by..... The leaves are red and gold and the days are beautiful and the children are planning a Halloween party. It's Halloween and Fall! Another day has rushed by.
It's a beautiful time of year!
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