Week in Review

I can hear the voice of my friend who is a life coach saying, "Learn to dance with time." I am not dancing; I am not clogging; I am thrashing about. I have not found the rhythm yet. This week featured several days that started before 7:30 a.m (my work) Since my children go to 4 different schools at 4 different times of day, my day begins with shoveling children out of bed at 5:30 a.m., getting 4 of us showered, loaded into a car (including wheelchair, bookbags, backpacks, and lunches) and out the door by 6:45. The result is chaos; in spite of many attempts to get things organized the night before, the kids end up eating fruit and toast in the car and fighting while I drive. My youngest is really tired at the end of the day -- it is too long a day for a kindergartener and she is hungry and exhausted when I pick her up at 5:00 p.m. Yesterday I had a meeting with a board member who was talking to my kids in the car out in front of my office and the look on her face when she saw the crumbs and napkins and applesauce containers on the floor of the back seat will remain with me forever. She was obviously horrified. I was embarrassed and annoyed. All of the stress-travel ran parallel to a discussion I had with the director of a local day care center. She had much to say. Her families have little but the day care center for support. Many of them work three jobs. The hours are impossible and everything is done under pressure of time. She herself is fighting the clock every day.

What I am trying to do is to accept the clock-fighting and to just find a way to be light-hearted and easy with it. I'm sure that all of us would get out the door just as fast if I wasn't the "hurry up" banshee. I took one step yesterday on behalf of better mornings -- I cut off my hair. My new cut is cute and easy and hopefully will facilitate for my exercising and being busy in a climate which is often humid. My hairdresser has been diagnosed with lung cancer and has an amazing attitude. Humbles me -- I have good health and take too much for granted.

The week at work was productive and really satisfying. I love this job so much. I did, however, give up a meeting I wanted to attend last Thursday -- it was the should do on a list which is: must do, should do, and nice to do. I was just too late after struggling to deliver children and deal with a 13 year old who was sick and needed to be somewhere for an hour or two so that I could attend. Once I accepted the fact that I wasn't attending, I just enjoyed the found time and caught up with some work. But every week ends with a sense that I haven't found the right routine in which to do all which I need to do: exercise, plan ahead, do really good work (which is my priority -- I am the sole support of my family), and raise, nuture and encourage a group of special needs children. They are great kids but a clean car and house is meaningless to them and I do not have nanny, helper, cleaning service, or any of those luxuries. Yesterday morning we have had breakfast with old friends who were traveling through and again I was rushed. I was the only person ready at 9 o'clock. The friends were late and saved us. The stress of feeling crunched because of kids must be nationwide. I, an older mother, see mothers struggling to get kids out of the car and their hair combed in the parking lot. Late in the day I see mothers struggling to get to the day care center in time to pick up a child before the center closes.

Yesterday ended on a nice note. I gave up the struggle. Twice I just quietly walked out of a store because my youngest was running away, making noise and refusing to cooperate. I quietly said "You can't go into public places if you can't stay with me and be quiet and helpful." She howled and I ignored her. Later in the day I went with another Mom and her children to a local ice-cream place where they were having a car show and a wonderful farm. It is a beautiful place in an idyllic setting. I sat and enjoyed the sun going down while the kids visited the animals, rolled down the hill and ran around and around the grounds. They were free and laughing. A group of children gathered and just had fun. I was able to just enjoy the peace of the moment. As the stress melted away, I realized that I can choose to stay in a stress free state of mind.

How much does the stress and the crunch of time impact on those of us who need to have a centered relationship with food? How much does continuously feeling like a crabby and useless Mother impact on the self-esteem required to do long-term food management and weight loss/maintenance. I carried an article with me from Woman's World which carried the usual "Lose 11 lbs in a week" headlines (are we all crazy?) but I read the food plan and realized it was almost identical to the plan I used for the first 85 lbs. So while sitting and looking at the flowers and fields at sunset, I realized that I could return to the joyful (and delicious) relationship with food. Today I went on the web site of the author in Woman's World and read all the things I know. The major feature of the diet is moderate exercise and eliminating all high glycemic food.

Yesterday I made an hour for myself at my office before getting a hair cut -- with all of the children getting them too -- and am making some resolutions for the week ahead beginning with today. I am beginning to feel really inadequate about my ability to plan ahead and to make things work. This week was really impacted at every level because of my middle schooler's illness which requires a doctor's visit. I called the pediatric practice about his fever; they made an evening appointment for him. We were there for over 2 hours before we saw a harried physician who prescribed antibiotics (discounting the fact that my son has a history of reactions to antibiotics) and shooed us out the door. The office personnel were rude and unfriendly; they were talking loudy in front of a waiting room of exhausted mothers and children about, "Who the hell brings in a child just because of a fever? What's wrong with out triage anyway?" My son never has high fevers and 103.2 is significant. Oh well -- the women behind the desk were probably exhausted too. The week passed. My son got better. My older daughter got sick, but didn't spike a high fever and yesterday I have a sore throat. It's fall for the busy single mothers of the world.

I started writing this blog at the office with the children coloring at my office table. My daughter locked both bathrooms so that they couldn't be accessed and my son had to fix them before we left. The next trip to a store to get some Halloween supplies ended with my walking out of the store with 5 year old in tow and abandoning the shopping. I was quiet and matter of fact, but I was serious. Later in the day I did it again in a grocery store.

This week -- I am going to start counting days again. Sean Anderson does that and it puts things in perspective. In my purse is a really nice list of planned meals for a week and I am going to the grocery store this afternoon to buy the necessary groceries so that I can actually follow a food program which is not-processed or frozen. I created the list from an article on "detox" in a magazine, but the meals described were so similar to those I prepared when I lost 85 pouds.

And again I am committed to make this week as perfect as possible. I still haven't weighed myself and I would guess that I've lost a lb. or two, but there is no sense of steady and resilent purpose -- I am not dancing with food. I am feeling successful at my job. I am feeling less than successful at what has to be accomplished outside of work. The image of board member staring at my dirty car floor just makes me feel really bad about myself; no one can have a piggy car like mine; I have reached the depths of slobbery. I have a clean house (not today), a clean office, and a sense of order and design, but my car, known fondly as "The Van" looks like a traveling wastebasket and the crumbs and mess from morning eating in the car have gotten completely out of hand

My plan for yesterday was to buy some groceries, catch up with blog, make a food plan, and CLEAN THE HOUSE AND THE CAR! I did only a fraction of what was on the list. I need to help my son catch up with his school work. But yesterday had a couple of features which were wonderful -- I loved watching the children roll down the hill and run free. I loved the hour in my office with the windows open. I made a food plan and renewed my commitment to a certain type of eating which made the first 85 lbs easy and healthy. My sore throat and virus symptoms vanished -- I again was able to get rid of an impending cold with a little help from some zinc based spray and a bit of meditation while watching the kids play.

What went well last week? Well, everything at work went well and I felt really happy each day with my work. I connected with several old colleagues and friends and that was wonderful. My son managed to get the bathrooms unlocked in my office -- two of them were locked by my youngest child who locked them. She also went upstairs and broke the soap dispenser by pushing on the dispensing rod. I have her confined in my office coloring today. Friday afternoon I felt so happy; the job is just so rewarding and I so admire members of my staff and board. I gave several speeches this week and they all went well.

How I think about things is everything! I'm too negative under pressure! All of this has so much to do with food. Stress eating involves eating the wrong things. I am trying to recapture the sense of centeredness that I brought with me to this position and community; the meditative level of awareness that was coming more and more naturally to me. I have it; it's like riding a bicycle; I can remember it.

It's a beautiful day. I cannot report a successful eating week last week. I didn't even keep up with writing things down. I just raced from task to task and meeting to meeting. I actually took the children to McDonalds twice (yuck!) and worked while they ate at a table in my office. It's time to get serious about this! What I do today will matter and will set the course for the week.

So far this a.m. I have eaten a perfect low glycemic breakfast and am finishing the blogging which seems to land on Sunday mornings. I've read about low glycemic dieting again (as if I can't remember) and my 5 year old wanted vegetables for breakfast. So I'm off to a better start. I got up early; I've quit sleeping in on weekends. I went to bed early last night and I slept well all night. Rested, the mess in the kitchen was not nearly as daunting and I have the refrigerator and the freezer completely cleaned. Soon I will finish the laundry and the kitchen and I will take the children somewhere to walk, run and play for an hour before I return to the paper work that must be done before tomorrow.

I'll get back to this blog before the end of the day.