A Week Later: Getting into the Habits of Weight Loss and Health

I actually did some of this writing on My Food Diary -- I write into the personal notes often. I didn't transfer them to the blog. I am committed to writing 15 minutes a day and getting it on the blog! I've committed to the Anne Randolph writing program and it's time to "re-up." I've written more than I've written in months, but not as much as I committed to. So I begin again with a commitment to daily writing.

As I follow the blogs of others who are working to lose and maintain weight and lifestyle, I often feel anxious. One of my favorite bloggers wrote about starting to eat things that she knew weren't good for her and then she stopped blooging and a month has gone by. She was below goal and really looking fabulous. She was exercising and her blog was full of photos of her living and active lifestyle. Why does that make me anxious? Because I've gotten to goal or made huge changes and have then reverted to the bad eating habits of a lifetime. It makes me anxious to notice that the stranger who moves me with blogging has stopped; I know instinctively what that means.

Another blogger who has a huge following has never really looked into the nutrition or appropriateness of what he is eating. What is going on with all of us? What is the biochemistry of the problem as well as the psychology? I took a tour of the Pfizer Pharmaceutical research company recently and heard a scientist say that they had given up on finding pharmaceutical cures for obesity. It is an extraordinarily complex problem, related to the interaction of body and mind with food. It is related to the eat norms of the culture; sexuality, and lifestyle and the addictive nature of the world we inhabit in the United States ~ where everything seems possible and much eludes us.

What I think is true:

a. Cultural values about food help to drive the problem.
b. The food industry helps to drive and support the problem. There is much in the literature about the impact of high fructose corn syrup, other concentrated sugar syrups on the insulin reactions of human beings.
c. Genetics are a part of the problem as are family eating patterns.
d. Food is associated with pleasure.
e. Stress creates the need for comfort eating and food
on the run.
f. Children and adults who are food aware are in constant conflict with the food offerings at school and at the workplace -- not to mention the food choices in restaurants.
g. There are only a few places in which a lay person can read and assimilate all the basic information needed in order to achieve personal results and long-time success.
h. There is a new theory or program being launched daily in the multi-billion dollar diet industry which exists because of the situation. We spend many dollars on the latest fad or fix and purpose the products generated by the industry. But we and out children are getting more and more obese.

I live an in extraordinarly obese region of the United States. A local hospital is releasing a study this month about health in the area. A spokesperson has declared that the study shows the area to be ''fat, addicted and depressed.'' Last week in my office, staff members rushed out to purchase donuts and soda for a group of trainees attending a meeting in our conference room. Having eaten a really low glycemic and healthy breakfast I didn't eat anything. I have not had soda in years and have not eaten donuts either ~ I remember when I ate donuts ~ many of them. There have been some lasting changes, but not enough of them.

It's a gorgeous Sunday norning and I'm thinking that my life has been defined by my addiction and compulsive overeating. In the end, it eclipsed my accomplishments and endeavors. I've have actually lost a job years ago because the Chairman of the Board objected to my weight ~ this happened years ago, but it was unforgettable. There is much written about accepting beauty in all of its forms. I do not find obese people ugly or unacceptable, but the health issues of obesity are not a secret. I find obesity in my own life unacceptable because it reduces my energy, causes my knees to hurt, and compromises my abundant energy and health. I've always been well-dressed and well-groomed and confident in my appearance, but always aware that I was noted as a ''fat'' woman. The founder of the national organization for which I worked for many years told me when I lost 85 lbs.: ''You look better. You were absolutely huge, you know.'' ''No, I didn't know I was huge. I didn't look in a mirror for years.'' I had a self-image which in fact, better than the reality. As a thinner person, who actually looks in a mirror, I am surprised at what I see. I was not realistic with myself -- except once in awhile.

What's worse ~ the person who notes that ''you were absolutely huge'' or those who do not notice that there has been weight loss? In many respects, obese people are invisible ~ though a quick look through any grocery store or shopping mall where I live, reveals that obese people marry, have children, and live their lives. I was very self-conscious in a world that didn't really notice. But I wasn't conscious at all; there is a paradox in all of this. The payoff for weight loss, despite what all the tabloids feature, is internal -- it does not result in a glamorous, movie-star life. It simply results in feeling better and moving better -- and that is enough. Obesity and smoking account for a high percentage of the world's illnesses. Eliminating both would increase the health of human beings. Being thin and fit at 67 is "waiting to lose" -- waiting a long time -- but it is not too late for it to have a long time impact on what is left of my life. It's an investment in health and vitality. Being 25 lbs heavier has decreased my energy, self-confidence, and impacted on my joints. I have no choice; I must face this with clarity and honesty, but with spirit and recognition. I give myself little acknowledgement for what I do right and without that acknowledgement and self-affirmation, there is no real change.


So what is my excuse for not maintaining day to day? I have none. It is a matter of daily consciousness and when I begin to relate to it as a struggle, I have already lost. It works, as does the relationship with money, when it is relaxed, joyful, and filled with grace. And the September weigh-in will be upon me within 20 days. Writing about this ~ it's an amazing process. I'm exploding my own internal myths. I've resisted the idea of being an addict. Of course, I'm an addict ~ I am a freaking food addict and my life has revolved around that. And that's why I know what's happening when I read the blogs of fellow addicts who are about to ''fall off the wagon.'' They make me anxious because I am those individuals and have been.

The blogger who had started eating ice cream stopped blogging a month ago after confessing that her husband was questioning her eating something ''because she wanted to.'' I know that my children have seen me do that over and over. My one child at home who struggles with weight will stop and start his efforts to eat properly depending and what I am doing and encouraging himn to do. I am setting him a terrible example when I don't demonstrate discipline in resolving to change things and then breaking the resolve. There is an integrity issue involved which is comparable to that inherent in all addictive ''disease.'' On its face, it looks as if the addict simply has to will-power, but in face, the obese person is fighting a complex process that is not yet understood. One of my daughters who tracked with me through the 85 lb. loss, has managed food extraordinarily well and maintains a lovely and healthy weight.

It is easy to learn the scientific knowledge of weight loss ~ the mathematics of creating a deficit by reducing calories and increasing exercise are fairly well known. Yet we are bombarded with quick fix programs of all kinds including the still-present fasting which results in rapid weight regain and real physical changes. It's a starting over process. It is returning over and over again to the ''place'' in which body, mind and spirit are united and there is peace and clarity. Achieving that place of peace in a world of such diverse viewpoint and expression, driven my the cultural marketplace of the food industry is challenging. For the parent of many children, it is a moral imperative -- my managing food for my own body will help them manage their own choices.

I found it really frightening to note that my blogging was erratic over the last week and that I had actually lost track of the days. Each day was extremely intense ~ big change in everything do to the start up of school. Finishing everything that was needed to start the children in school took much longer than anticipated. I had to laugh when I looked at Facebook and found a series of commnents between my oldest daughter and her friends about the number of forms required to enroll children in school. They were extremely redundant ~ I wrote emergency contact forms over and over. This fall school days begin early ~ my oldest gets on a school bus at 6:45 and the middle schooler has to be at his building at 7:15. The elementary school child has until 8:30 to be there. I'm going to place her in an early bird program. My plan is to have from 7:30 - 8:00 to walk every morning which I can easily do from my office. If I don't exercise in the a.m., I will never get it done ~ life is just too busy and complex day to day.

I have to renew all of my commitments today because I've actually lost track of the days. All of us were so exhausted on Friday that we slept 10 hours over night and remained tired yesterday. Tuesday will mark the beginning of whatever routine and normalcy there will be in the next few months and for me that means: a} getting enough sleep; b} staying on top of the house-work and laundry; and c} making time for exercise; d} planning ahead re: food and taking supplies to the office; and e) making time for the children. That means finishing the catch-up this weekend, so that I am managing ''in the day'' {never mind in the moment} and not always worrying about the backlog. There are still things to be done {we moved here in late June}and times flies by. But I've made progress.

I have days when I feel empowered and timeless and can manage to get things done easily; but there are times when I feel pressured and tired and uncertain.There are days when I feel in alignment with my body and food and days when I don't manage my food properly. My commitment is real, so why do I fail myself? The enemy has always been getting tired and wound up. The difference between the person that I am today and the one I was as a younger woman, is that I AM CONSCIOUS. I inhabit my body and feel it; I am aware of my ability to become spiritually tuned in. I can quiet myself.I am not living from false hope to false hope.

Is it worth it to face obesity at my age? Nothing could be more worth it. I could easily live 30 more years ~ imagine if those years could be years of abundant health and vitality. It's worth it in every way! I am a single Mom with young children; my health and well-being and vitality are going to be everything going forward. Yesterday I had a really focused experience with loss of energy from eating the wrong food. I had a perfect breakfast. At noon I found myself at the beauty salon in the middle of what proved to be a marathon. Given an opportunity to get some food, I ordered a tuna submarine sandwich -- too much mayo and too much carbohydrate (and probably a sugar syrup) in the sub-bread. Late p.m. I was yawning and sleepy and utterly without energy. After I ate a high protein and light dinner, my energy returned -- it was the fatigue which comes from eating things which are not hypoglycemic. So what is it about that I don't understand? Why did I order the sandwich because of the salad? Because I was mindlessly feeding my addiction. Was it worth it? Never.