Days 5 and 6 - Perfect Pears and Reflections

Days 5 and 6:

Today, Saturday,is the first day that I have felt really steady with the amount, type, and timing of the food I am choosing. Yesterday was stressful at work ~ nothing negative ~ just too much to do and too few people to do it. I didn't log my food properly. I felt frazzled -- again.

After a really good night's sleep, I ate a perfect small but filling breakfast and a perfect small but filling lunch ~ all low hypoglemic foods. Very nourishing meals which are made up of low hypoglycemic foods create the days that can be repeated for success. I am working on a Saturday; the children are with me doing art projects and interrupting me, and I am going, one thing at a time, through the backlog of work that has developed. It's worth it to get caught up and to start the busy week next week without anxiety. And it is more than worth it to do one thing at a time without interruption ~ well, with only child interruptions which are part of life as a mother and don't require discussions, decisions {except what they can eat for lunch}, or getting up a learning curve ~ at least not today.

It's a beautiful day out. Yesterday was a blur and I ended not feeling that I was getting enough done. But it was a good day because I could feel the teamwork and sense of common purpose that is essential for the work ahead. But I was tired; they is a residue of emotion in the culture of the organization that is dissapating and I feel ~ I pray; I hope ~ that everyone is feeling hopeful and empowered. The goal of working together in a loving and productive way is a goal which requires much of the leader ~ it requires modeling and being that which is hoped for.

One of the staff members here who is outstanding, often speaks of her co-workers. She uses that term with such regard for others and such affection that it often puts a little catch in my throat. She says, ''my co-workers'' in a way that demonstrates real love and affection for them and a desire to serve and assist them. She's a very strong woman who has a way of saying "co-worker" that I always notice; she says it with tenderness and with a sense of deep regard. I wonder if others notice that love in her voice. She is a working leader in the organization and has been here for many years; she believes in something about being a "co-worker" that I want to capture in words. She has no idea that there is something about her use of that word which moves me. I love this job; I look forward to being here every day. It's a human organization full of human beings, but something about this organization in this really wonderful region, gives me hope and energizes me.

Today I am rested ~ I simply slept until I woke up ~ absolute heaven ~ I slept exactly 10 hours ~ and so did the kids. As I have tuned into my body in recent years I have realized that I am fine with 7.5 to 8 hours sleep but that if I can sleep until I wake up, I sleep 10 hours and feel healed and refreshed. Sleep is a part of this battle with food and I know instinctively that my health and energy are part of the recognition that sleep is a part of health and life management.

I watched a delightful little romantic movie with the children last night; it was light, predictable and nice. It was just the escape needed from the daily grind ~ the escape which works in a family that only watches television once in a while. After the movie, everyone piled into bed and all of us were asleep shortly after 10 p.m.

This a.m. there was a bit of the usual struggle with getting chores done and things organized for a ''working Saturday'' but I took the time to sit down and enjoy my breakfast ~ Alvarado Street Bakery classic granola ~ 1/2 cup ~ and 1/2 cup of skim milk. I ate a delicious pear ~ the bag of them from Holmberg's Orchard is dwindling fast. What could be more wonderful that a single delicious pear. I didn't even taste food during my years of real obesity; I snarfed down food in large amounts -- late in the day -- and compulsively. To just eat and savor a piece of fruit -- I rarely ate fruit and I never savored anything. I was a compulsive overeater and an addict. I am still a compulsive overeater; but recovery is delightful. It requires something of me that I need -- to be present and centered for food and for life.

I have decided that giving up coffee is again, and for the final time, a goal worth pursuing. I realize ~ long before now ~ that the buzz of coffee creates a false energy and has an impact on the way I feel about how I am thinking and operating in a complex position which requires being thoughtful and present in the moment. I feel frazzled...just plain frazzled...and I talk too fast and too much. So today I start backing down from 2 cups of coffee every morning (big ones) and by this time next week I will be coffee free.

When I came to this position I was centered and practicing being centered every day. Returning to a complex organization just quickly triggered old behaviors in me. Today I drove to a small playground and field which is faced and close by the office and tomorrow I will bring my walking shoes and the children and I will spend an hour there playing and walking. It will be day one of my exercise commitment and day two of the "Give Up Coffee Challenge."

It is 2:30 p.m. and I am going back to the stacks on my desk feeling so refreshed because I kept my writing commitment for the day. Blogging is real a tool for people who are in transformation. I read other blogs and comments and often comments are so insightful and are almost always offered in such a loving way ~ the words of strangers who quickly become friends. The bloggers are so open and free and that allows all of us who read to feel less ashamed of our obesity and more free to explore a new way of living, eating, and being in the world. I am 67 years old and being free of a food addiction and weighing 130 pounds which is my goal is not about beauty or image. It is about being free and whole for every moment of the rest of my life. It is about achieving a level of consciousness and sustaining it. There have been so many signposts (as Eckhart Tolle writes) and teachers along the way, but from all that enters our busy lives every day, we must choose that which will bring us joy and health so that we can celebrate our lives and be at peace.

I am writing! I want to write and I am writing! Thanks to Anne Randolph for inspiring me (though there was a delay in my response to the inspiration. I am writing and I am finding the time for it. Thanks to a wonderful life coach from earlier years, Joan Sparks, for continuing to remind me to "dance with time." Those lessons are opening up for me in a new way in this new setting. I see a little bush that is growing by a lamp post in my card -- it is covered with blossoms because my son waters and feeds the little plant -- and I feel a sense of kinship -- I am "blooming where I have been planted." I can do this thing! I can reach my goals!