Day 18. I am again facing myself with new information. No matter what I thought during the time of the 85 lb. food loss, I am powerless over my food addiction and the time of reckoning is now. My son is struggling too and it is my obligation as a parent to quit playing with this lifestyle and paradigm change. A food addiction is cunning and diabolical; the addiction drives the thinking about food. The amazing mental connections between food and comfort; calories and types of food and comfort are beginning to be so clear as I watch myself and my son. I have 38 years of conditioning about eating and its comforts -- like smoking, the addicition will ultimately destroy my self esteem.
Last night my son said to me, "Mom, I can't be known as a fat kid at school. I am a fat kid. I can't go to the beach and take off my shirt; I can't take off my shirt. I'm fat. I am not comfortable." I am not comfortable either.
Day 18. I am facing this again without excuses. There are no excuses. I am a person who has a good job, extraordinarily good health, vitality and a good mind. There is no excuse. And without my caring about myself, my son will follow me in eating addictively. I am tired; I am not planning far enough ahead. I didn't fix a meal for several days like week; I grabbed fast food and took the easy way out. I was so salted early in last week that my lips were chapped. Okay, enough self-flogging.
This morning I had 1/2 cup of grape nuts and 1/2 cup of skim milk. Mid morning I had a Kangeroo Whole Wheat pocket pita with 1 tablespoon of unsalted, natural peanut butter. At noon I had a Dunkin Donuts egg, cheese, and bacon wrap. The latter was salty. It was 210 calories though. I read what Sean Anderson had to say in his blog about just not over complicating the situation and using the calorie count as the basic factor. In my case, I know I have to add nutrition to the equation; I have to remain mindful of vegetables, fruits, and nutrition density; it is part of the promise to myself. So for the first 1/2 of the day today, I have been faithful to my commitment. The goals I set for myself are overwhelmed by daily life. It's Halloween season and I went Friday night to a school carnival which featured chili, pizza, and candy which created the wave of hyperactive behavior within an hour which I have noticed for several years.
Yesterday I had my hair cut and took my high school daughter to buy a few things she needed for a homecoming dance. We had our nails and toes done. It was a long day and she had fun in the evening. I noticed that my energy was noticeably reduced because emotionally I wasn't pleased with myself for not keeping the commitments and physically I was a tired from improper eating and a long week of work. I was also troubled about a decision which needs to be made at work and woke up thinking about it in the middle of the night. I've lost my center.
It's interesting. As I write openly, I feel my center returning. Progress--not perfection. In the past I would start the 100 day challenge all over again. But this time I will continue the challenge and fearlessly face the moral and integrity challenges in misusing and addictively eating sweets and food. My son won a coconut cake at the Halloween carnival. I ate much of it over a couple of days and it wasn't even good. There is nothing more to say about that. There is no excuse. Integrity isn't very complicated.
Tomorrow which will be day 19 which means the challenge has 81 days to go. The commitment was to be below 200 lbs on the 100th day. That means a steady 2 lbs a week to make the goal. This is the season of overeating. I know what I have to do. Today. I've had water to drink and I've been on track until 1:00 p.m. I've blogged. I'm amazed at what blogging does to center my mind and body. Writing from the heart and soul -- being honest. I often return in my thinking to the women I met in New Mexico who were all maintaining large weight losses. They were all a part of a branch of Overeaters Anonymous HOW (Honest, Open, and Willing). Blogging for myself (and others) requires being Honest, Open and Willing. For today I will be honest, open, and willing. I will live within my spiritual practice and my love and gratitude for life.
Adding Tim as a Blog Partner
Building a Good Relationship With Food
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